In the past years that I had made mistaken relationships, I always answer these words immediately “I love you too.” But last night, I had to hesitate to say that phrase to someone whom I love at the present. The different thing is that I didn’t know what to do, if I should answer back or what. I was able to drink 5 glasses of water straight and the feeling of uneasy breathing came to me. I was afraid to answer back, knowing that my armors will be totally down. I’m so careful with my feelings right now having different types of pain in the past. I don’t want to experience the same feelings of agony. My face was all heating up and my heart pumps so fast. Let’s face it, I had relationships after April of 2009 and thought that during those moments, I was really in love with those guys I’ve been with. Well in fact, this damn heart that had been hurt for a million times beats as if there’s tomorrow as if that’s the last guy that I’ll be with. But this time, it hit me like bomb inside a refrigerator. What the hell? My blog readers may say that I’m just playing around again and this feeling will fade after two to three months of being on my own again. But, it’s only now that I realized, why did I ignored this feeling and rejected him last year? How naïve I was to not take that chance to let someone come in again, cowardly saying that I’m afraid to experience the same pains again but let’s face the fact, I am truly afraid. I’m already coward enough to be a snob when it comes to suitors that can’t even do enough effort to deal with me. Yes, hurting and pains is a part of loving a person but I’m so afraid to have myself hurt many times. A billion times even. Cried a thrillion tears. Corny to read but that’s the reality behind those smiles that I wore for the past months that I’ve been totally on my own.

This time, I’m not sure if it’ll work but both of us hasn’t been in a serious relationship for a long time and here I am again, opening my door, entrusting myself to someone I’ve known for three years. We haven’t been going out but I knew him through some activities I’ve been in to.

It feels so good to feel as if I’m falling in love again after a long time of waiting. It feels like it’s the first time. He’s been here, he’s here, will he be here tomorrow?

Who knows? But I’ll just enjoy this ride and go with the flow of happiness that God gave me for the past week. I thank Him for letting me know this person.